Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Things Women Should Know

  1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
  2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
  3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
  4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
  5. Butthead is the smart one.
  6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
  7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
  8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
  9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
  10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
  11. Socks never constitute a gift.
  12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
  13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
  14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
  15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
  16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
  17. Curley is the bald one.
  18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
  19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
  20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
  21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
  22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
  23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
  24. No, you can't have the remote control.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

  1. Make Race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers
  3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
    "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP !"
  4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
  5. Sell girl scout cookies
  6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  7. Shave
  8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peerling inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  12. Lean over another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
  13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  14. One word: Flatulence!
  15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
  16. Do Tai Chi exercises
  17. Stare, grinning, at another passengers for a while, and then announc: "I've got new socks on!"
  18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
  19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
  20. Meow occassionally
  21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  22. Frown a mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
  25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends
  26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
  27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
  29. Leave a Box between the doors.
  30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers "through" it
  32. Start a sing-along
  33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
  34. Play the harmonica
  35. Shadow box
  36. Say "Ding!" at each door
  37. Lean against the button panel.
  38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope
  40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space"
  41. Bring a chair along
  42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passengers: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  43. Blow spit bubbles.
  44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in loooong strings
  45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively
  47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button
  48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers
  49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
  50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
  51. Ask: "Hello God, is that you?"

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Tony Blair Quotes

"This party will, ultimately, be judged on its ability to deliver on its promise" Tony Blair

"I didn't come into politics to change the Labour Party. I came into politics to change the country." From Tony Blair's speech to Labour Party conference October 1995

"You only require two things in life: your sanity and your wife" Tony Blair

"Education, education, education " Tony Blair

"Now is not the time for sound-bites. I can feel the hand of history on my shoulder" Tony Blair on the signing of the Good Friday Agreement

"But what has come home to me more than anything else is the utter futility of Opposition. I did not join the Labour Party to protest. I joined it as a party of government and I will make sure that it is a party of government." From Tony Blair's speech to the TUC, September 1995

"All we ask now is that the UN means what it said and does what it meant" British Prime Minister Tony Blair. 28/2/03

"If the challenge to us is to work with the UN, we will respond to it. But if we do so, then the challenge to all in the UN is this: the UN must be the way to resolve the threat from Saddam not avoid it." Tony Blair on 10/9/02 in a speech to the TUC conference

"If we show weakness now, if we allow the plea for more time to become just an excuse for prevarication until the moment for action passes, then it will not only be Saddam who is repeating history. The menace, and not just from Saddam, will grow; the authority of the UN will be lost; and the conflict when it comes will be more bloody." 15/2/03 at the Scottish Labour conference

"Just after the election, an old colleague of mine said: 'Come on Tony, now we've won again can't we drop all this New Labour and do what we believe in?'. "I said: 'It's worse than you think. I really do believe in it'." 2001 Labour Party Conference

"America has its faults as a society, as we have ours. But I think of the Union of America born out of the defeat of slavery. I think of its Constitution, with its inalienable rights granted to every citizen still a model for the world. I think of a black man, born in poverty, who became chief of their armed forces and is now secretary of state Colin Powell and I wonder frankly whether such a thing could have happened here. I think of the Statue of Liberty and how many refugees, migrants and the impoverished passed its light and felt that if not for them, for their children, a new world could indeed be theirs. I think of a country where people who do well, don't have questions asked about their accent, their class, their beginnings but have admiration for what they have done and the success they've achieved.

I think of those New Yorkers I met, still in shock, but resolute; the fire fighters and police, mourning their comrades but still head held high. Blair gushing about the US, crawling up Bush's ample Texan ass

"Power without principle is barren, but principle without power is futile. This is a party of government, and I will lead it as a party of government."

"If there is one thing Britain should learn from the last 50 years, it is this: Europe can only get more important for us."

"We'll negotiate a withdrawal from the EEC"(now the EU)"which has drained our natural resources and destroyed jobs". Tony Blair, before he became an MP, in 1983. Mr Blair is now an enthusiastic supporter of the EU and asserts that Britain must "be at the heart of Europe".

"We've just had the biggest saturation advertising on record to publicise the sale of water." Tony Blair MP (On the Conservative Government's privatisation of the public water industry)

"Our Party. New Labour. Our Mission. New Britain. New Britain. New Labour. New Britain. New Britain." Tony Blair

"One reason I changed the Labour Party is so that we can remain true to our principles." Tony Blair

"I don't make predictions. I never have and I never will." Tony Blair

"The single most important two things we can do..." Tony Blair

"It's all very well being a pacifist. But to be a pacifist after September 11, that's something different. It's all new now: terrible threat, terrorist weapons, terrorist states. That is what people here have to understand." Tony Blair on 10/3/03 at Downing Street

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